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Funny: "Yoga Class"

from You can be part of a miracle. by Save My House

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about

Living in California, I have actually attended my share of yoga classes, but I always prove to be a "special needs" student. While my classmates are all blissfully kissing their own asses (see fig. 1), the teacher invariably approaches me and kindly suggests a "modification", usually just sitting there Indian-style until the class is over.

lyrics

There's been some damage to my chi
That's what the Master said to me
He wore a stoneground turtleneck and sandles made of rice
He was immeasurably old and insufferably nice
He said my chakras are a junkyard full of undiscarded rage
Yhen he mumbled something Sankrit
and he waved around some sage
There's just one thing
to save my ass
Yoga class

He sent me down to a tiny shop in Hinditown
I bought the forty dollar mat, I passed on the robe
Tthey handed me a crumpled list of ashrams and healthclubs
Where I could learn the ancient ways
And get that narly chi replaced
Yeah! yeah!

I seek the ancient eastern wisdom
I seek the stilling of the mind
I know my present lifestyle is dumb
time to get up on the path
time to kick some yoga ass
yeah! yeah!

a airy loft above the street
is where these yoga people meet
music softly twinkles in a gentle serenade
I find a spot beside a guy I think I beat up in fifth grade
the teacher prances in, a perky blond named Julie
she looks like vanna white but smells like b.o. and patchouli
she's the one
to get it done
yoga class

Fish pose and plow pose and lotus pose and locust pose
i'm twisting and I'm stretching and it hurts like fucking hell
A girl with hairy armpits smiles whipers "namaste"
Scrunched into a shoulder stand
I flip her off the best I can
yeah! yeah!

The class is drawing to a close
I'm laid out in the final pose
Deep in relaxation, I find my peace at last
Time has lost all meaning as I float upon the mat
Awakened hours later in a dim and empty room
by a tiny, ancient janitor who pokes me with his broom
he says my karma is a cesspool full of vile tumescent waste
and then he levitates right out the door
a smile upon his face
for in my hand
a three-week pass:
Yoga class

I seek the ancient eastern wisdom
I seek the quiet of the soul
I know this Master truly is one
and he knows of what he speaks
Get back to me in three weeks!
Yeah! yeah!

credits

from You can be part of a miracle., track released December 4, 2009

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